Imprinted

It’s like sitting in your favorite chair for 10 years straight. You love that chair;  you have this crazy history of good times and not-so-great times. But it’s still yours. So, eventually you have to get up and when you finally do you look back and see you’ve left an imprint… It’s perfectly shaped to you, only you can fill the void left in the chair.

You see in this story, I am the chair.. slowly trying to fill the dents in my cushions left by you going away. But try as I might I can’t do it on my own, I’m getting cold and the time has taken its told on my ability to do this independently. So here I am waiting for you to return so I can once again feel whole.

I. Miss. You.

Have you ever missed someone? Of course you have. Who hasn’t? But I’m talking about a nagging pain that is with you, constantly, every moment, every day, buried so deep within you that you think your heart is breaking from the want, no, the need to see and touch that person. Have you ever missed someone like that? When one moment you are fine and the next moment you’re picking yourself off the ground wiping your eyes and wondering how long you were down there…

I taught myself to tie my own shoes. I organized my own diaper bag. From birth I’ve been nothing but independent. This wanting, this needed of another person is completely foreign to my memory. I can’t recall a time where I needed anything like this. The worst part is I didn’t realize everything was going to be this hard.. waking up, going to the store, driving. I’m constantly reminded of you and therefore constantly reminded of the gaping whole you left inside me when you went away.

This whole experience is so juvenile to me. I feel foolish. Stupid. Yet, at the same time that I’m crying and cursing your name, I know this is one of the most important things I’ve done this far in my life. And for that, I feel accomplished. Beautiful. Silly as it may be, I am finally feeling what it is to feel and all I can say is.. Thank you; but I still miss you.

Goodbye.

I said goodbye today to someone who means a lot to me. Goodbye is a common trend in my life. It’s the today was amazing  and I can’t wait to see you again, but as you get out of the car and close the door you know that was the last time you’ll ever see them again. I’m surrounded by those false see you later’s that disguise themselves as goodbyes. Luckily, this one’s different. It really is a see you later. This temporary parting comes at the most difficult time of the year. There is so much togetherness that I know the next 30 days are going take me for all I’ve got. Of course I know the time will pass and I’d like to think that I’ll be alright, but again there is something different about this goodbye. I’m caught in a place of happiness, jealousy and fear. I’m sure loneliness will join the party in a few days time.. Thankfully this period of life will end and some normalcy will resurface. Because for the moment I think my heart is running over with life’s last goodbyes.